Saturday, February 17, 2018

Curmudgeon in the Wry 601

Saturday, February 17, 2018--- 1085 Words---Average Reading Time: 4 Minutes, 8 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: Gloria Grahame.
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Reading: “Light It Up”—Outstanding from Nick Petrie.
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On the Hi Fi: “Quiet As the Moon”—Dave Brubeck.
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Under Rated: Chill Wills.
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Quote: “All life is 6 to 5 against.”---Damon Runyon.
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Don’t Go Changin’: Bill Belichick’s lack of charm is charming…and refreshing. He’s my kind of guy.
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Truism: ESPN remains the last to care what LaVar Ball thinks…still calling them “exclusives.”
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Play Ball:  In the years between when the Chicago Cubs won their two most recent World Series . . . 1908 and 2016 . . . Arizona became a state, got a Major League Baseball team, and won a World Series.
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Lucky Me: Thank the Lord I did not grow up in an era where everyone walked around staring into a phone.
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Shaken, Not Stirred:  When Ian Fleming finished his first "James Bond" novel; he celebrated by buying himself a gold-plated typewriter.
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Fun and Educational, Mr. Wizard: Victorinox makes the Swiss Army Knife. They've been in business since 1884 . . . and they have never laid off an employee.
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For the Record: The voices of Dick Enberg and Keith Jackson will always be in my head…two of the best sports broadcaster of a bygone era, when announcers knew the game was the most important aspect of the broadcast, not the broadcaster.
The way today’s announcers’ go on-and-on, you would assume they are paid by the word.
Enberg is in the Hall of Fame for three sports.
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Okie from Muskogee: The official state vegetable of Oklahoma is . . . the watermelon, a fruit.
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Truism: The college three-point line is too close.
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Quote: “It’s not what you do…it’s what you do next.”—Pam Bondi.
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Show of Hands: Raise your hand if you care about the Winter Olympics.
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Happiest Place on Earth: The U.S. Department of Defense is the largest purchaser of explosives, followed by the Walt Disney Company. 
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Anachronistic: All Star Games have become unnecessary and uninteresting.
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Ho, Ho, Ho: The movie "A Christmas Story" is based on short stories originally published in "Playboy".
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Non-Guilty Pleasure: Tiger Woods has not won a tournament since 2013.
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Map Reading 101: Reno, Nevada is actually west of Los Angeles, California, because of the way California curves.
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Time Out: Fourteen U.S. states are split into two time zones:
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No Question: Free money fixes nothing.
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Pop Quiz: What ended in 1896?
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Just Asking: When your team wins, do you feel the powerful urge to run downtown and set some fires…as did the fans of the Eagles?
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Jeepers Creepers: Snowstorms now have names…please.
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Didjaknow: The phrase "red tape" comes from the early 1500s, when the Holy Roman Empire would use red tape to seal the most important political documents and decisions
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New Normal: Magazines seem to get smaller every month.
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For the Record: Only two QB's in the history of the NFL  - Patriots Tom Brady (18 years) and Packers Aaron Rodgers (13 years) - have thrown fewer interceptions than the number of games played in a single season for an entire career with a minimum of 10 years in the league.
Not even the best QB ever, #19 Johnny Unitas.
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Strictly Business: Getting free money from the government should be just as difficult as getting it from other sources.
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Truism: You only get what you earn.
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Aloha: Hawaii is the only U.S. state that produces coffee.
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Food for Thought: Just as women are not as innocent as they appear to be, men are not that dumb.
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Who Knew: Boardwalks did not get their name because they are made of wooden boards.  They are named after the guy who came up with the idea to set up the first one in Atlantic City in the 1870s:  Alexander Boardman.
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You Cannot Make This Stuff Up: On New Year’s Day, the morons at HLN reported, “Today’s Super Moon is the first of 2018.”
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Third Time’s the Charm: The Big Mac was originally called The Aristocrat.  That name bombed, so it was switched to the Blue Ribbon Burger. That also bombed.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when NFL teams had taxi-squads instead of today’s bloated rosters comprised of self-absorbed-all-about-me narcissists. 
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Quiz Answer: 1895.
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Highway Robbery: With some tickets going for as much as a couple of grand and only one original member still in the band, The Eagles are the most expensive cover band of all time.
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Name Game: The most common name for cities in the United States is Fairview clocking in with 273.
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Don’t Look Now: Just because you cannot see it does not mean it does not exist.
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The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Is it the singer or the song? Here is a clue: The songwriters do not have to go on the road unless they choose to.
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Over Doing It: Do we really need to name winter storms?
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Benjamins: Hundred dollar bills make up 80% of American currency.
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Reality Check: When too many words are used explaining charges on your bill, you are usually getting screwed. Think cable bill.
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Logical Conclusion: No professional athlete is as good as he claims to be.
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But Whose Counting?:  Double Stuff Oreos only contain 1.86 times as much cream as regular Oreos.
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You Make the Call: Why is it that the moment an actor achieves any success they immediately become an expert on life in general and politics?
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Nobody Asked, But: How many people would still want to come to the USA if they could not get welfare?
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Geography 101: Tijuana, Mexico is further north than Savannah, Georgia.
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Final Thought: I cannot tell you how little interest I have in the British royal family.
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Bonus Track: Is there a sports mascot that does not offend someone?
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



1 comment:

rob hegel said...

Brilliant and entertaining as always. Thank you!