Saturday, December 02, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 600

Saturday, December 02, 2017--- 942 Words---Average
Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 7 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: James Garner.
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Reading: “Infamous” by Ace Atkins.
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On the Hi Fi: “Bix Lives” by Bix Beiderbecke.
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Under Rated: Frank Morgan.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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If You’re Scoring At Home (Or On The Road): Since Eli Manning became the starting QB for the Giants, the Cleveland Browns have started 24 quarterbacks and the Knicks have employed nine head coaches.
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Rant: 78 teams will play in the various bowl games…seems to me invitations to 6-6 teams is a participation trophy.
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Didjaknow: The average cloud weighs 1.1 million pounds.
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Post-Meal Analysis: The average Thanksgiving meal takes 18 hours to prepare and 12 minutes to eat.
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Quote: “Don't do whatever you like -- like whatever you do.” – Anon.
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Truism: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago…second best time is now.
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Go Figure: Carrots were originally several colors, and the most common one was purple.  Dutch farmers in the 16th century bred red and yellow carrots to make orange ones, since it was their royal color . . . and those became the standard.
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Just Asking: When was the last time you used your Salad Shooter?
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Face Facts: Politics is show biz for ugly people.
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Business as Usual: When in doubt on the various scandals, the NCAA does what it does best…it forms a committee.
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You Make the Call: Why are Subway sandwiches piled high with meat…but only in the TV ads?
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Dollars and Sense: The first athlete to earn $1 million was bare-knuckle boxer, John L. Sullivan in 1882.
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No Kidding: Were it not for malls, where would 14 year olds go to smoke?
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What’s Next: Not having the traditional red, white and blue bunting draping the box seats during the World Series was a candy-assed move from MLB.
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For the Record: The bird in Twitter's logo has a name . . . Larry…as in Larry Bird. Twitter co-founder, Biz Stone, grew up in Massachusetts and was a huge Boston Celtics fan.
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The Double Whammy: Baltimore Orioles RHP Jack Fisher surrendered Ted Williams' 521st and final home run in 1960, as well as Roger Maris' 60th home run in 1961. The Williams homer was his final at bat.
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Truth In Advertising: Ad spotted in the Norway, Maine Advertiser Democrat: “Ears Pierced $7.95, While You Wait.”
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Challenge Yourself: Solve the crossword puzzle using only the Down clues.
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Who Knew?: When I was a kid I always said I would never badmouth the new music when I was an old timer…then came rap and hip-hop.
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Changing Times: 1968 AL Rookie of the Year was New York Yankees RHP Stan Bahnsen who finished 17-12. The only other player receiving votes was Washington Senators OF Del Unser who batted .230.
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Word Games:  "Ping pong" is trademarked by Parker Brothers.  The generic term you are supposed to use for the game is table tennis.
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Counting the Days: The dates 4/4, 6/6, 8/8, 10/10, and 12/12 all fall on the same day of the week, every year.
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Food For Thought: Basketball has a shot clock---pitchers should have one as well.
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Mensa meeting: Marilyn Monroe had an IQ of 163 . . . Albert Einstein's IQ was 160.
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Idle Thought: The easiest way to locate something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Department of Redundancy Department: Young rookies, plan ahead, advance reservations, anonymous stranger, very unique, LCD display, kneel down, foreign imports, evolve over time.
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Disney World is twice the size of Manhattan and roughly the same size as San Francisco.
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Inconsistent, Me Thinks: How can the federal government ask US citizens to repay college loans when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?
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Just Business: Japan has more 7-Elevens than any other country in the world…about 16,000 locations.  The USA has about half that.
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Rant: Colleges being referred to as “Nike” schools or “Adidas” schools should be embarrassed.
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Hold The Phone: There's enough energy in one gallon of gas to charge your iPhone once a day for almost 19 years.
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The New Normal: Another summer without a summer song. I guess they don’t make them any more.
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They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To: In 13 seasons, 631 receptions for 9,275 yards and 68 touchdowns, Raymond Berry fumbled exactly once. And, never once showed off.
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The Civilized Way To Travel: Amtrak started in 1971 . . . and has lost money all 46 years it's been in existence.
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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: If Random House is paying Colin Kaepernick a million dollar advance, how much will they pay someone to write it for him…and then read it to him?
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Final Thought: Great coaches make teams better as the season progresses.
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Bonus Track: The Yankees were a lot more fun when “The Boss” was running the show.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.





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