Sunday, November 26, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 599

Sunday, November 26, 2017--- 1416 Words---Average Reading Time: 4 Minutes, 59 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: Johnny Mercer.
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Reading: “End Game” by David Baldacci.
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On the Hi Fi: Nat King Cole’s “Stepping Out of a Dream.”
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Under Rated: Billy May. May arranged “Come Fly With Me,” Frank Sinatra’s first gold album in 1958.
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Ever Wonder: Why do the employees of the airline companies lie about why and how long the delays are going to be?
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Words To Live By: You do not have to do anything special…just do everything right.
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Hmmm: Is there always an SUV in your rearview mirror, or does it just seem that way?
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Fact: There is always an SUV parked next to you when you are attempting to emerge from a parking place.
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Helpful Hint: It is far easier to back into a parking spot than it is to back out. All the more important in the land of SUVs.
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You Make The Call: Isn’t it amazing that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many…but our benefits do not?
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Quote: “To quote Henny Youngman, take ESPN, which has taken political correctness to such a ludicrous level that it has voluntarily surrendered its credibility to become a national bad joke, a “Kick Me” sign self-fastened to its back and front.”—Phil Mushnick.
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One More Reason I Have Lost Interest In Baseball: From baseball cybergod Bill James: In 1987, there were 41 active players with 1,000 or more career plate appearances who had more walks than strikeouts. In 2017: one, Albert Pujols.
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Factoid: In 1969, Bradford Phillips patented the folding umbrella, the design most of us use today. Inventors looking to one-up it persist however. The U.S. Patent office receives so many patent applications for umbrellas; it must employ four full-time examiners to indefatigably evaluate them.
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Truism: It is easier to be a gracious winner than a gracious loser…learn to be both.
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Quote: “ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.”—Anon.
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Idle Thought: Political correctness has more to do with indoctrination than education.
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Quote: “Last year, we could not win at home and we lost on the road. My failure as a coach was that I could not think of any other place to play.”—Former hockey coach Harry Neale.
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You Don’t Need A Weatherman: Why is it so difficult to locate a hurricane-tracking map until the cone puts the bull’s-eye squarely on the USA?
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Doctor’s Orders: Ask your doctor if medical advice from a TV commercial is right for you.
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American Exceptionalism: Not at the movies. Not this summer past.
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Keep the Change: Why does it take seven to ten business days for a refund to be credited to your account, but only minutes to take it out on any given day?
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For the Record: There are three kinds on economists…those who can count and those who cannot.
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Didjaknow: Pez dispensers were designed to look like cigarette lighters . . . because they were supposed to encourage people to stop smoking and have a mint instead.
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Book It: I long ago overdosed on the Beyonce and Jay-Z drama.
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Quote: “You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”—Anon.
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Didjaknow: The last shot of the Civil War was fired on June 28th, 1865 . . . almost two months after the war ended . . . off the coast of Alaska.  A Confederate warship hadn't gotten word the war was over and destroyed 24 Union boats.
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We Have a Winner: Before their opening game loss, the Patriots, at home, with Tom Brady at QB and leading after three quarters were 105-0.
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Reality Check: Life deals the cards face down.
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You Make the Call: If all seven billion people on the planet played in a single-elimination rock-paper-scissors tournament, you'd only need to win 33 games to become the champion.
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On Demand Stupidity: Just when you thought the sports channels could not shoot any lower, Fox hires Michael Vick as an analyst for their Sunday Kickoff Show.
The bar was lowered years ago when Ray Lewis was embraced by MSESPN…Lewis is now seen on Fox.
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Conspicuous Stupidity: Roger Goodell, commissioner of The National Felony League is a transparent, pandering phony.
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No Contest: A news conference with Goodell is like a date with Siri, only with less sincerity.
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Hmmm: Do clouds ever gaze down and say, “Hey look, that one is shaped just like an idiot.”
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Just Between Us: My kingdom for a song on the radio I can listen to.
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Bottom Line: You would think with all the ex-NFL stars out there, networks could find a proper analyst without a criminal past.
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Picture This: Will Fox Sports distribute publicity photos of their analysts with both front and side views?
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Winners and Losers: The 1916 New York Giants had both a 26-game winning streak and a 17-game winning streak, yet finished 4th in the National League.
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In the Lineup: Many players in the National Felony League should have the front and side views on their trading cards.
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Quote: From Kid Rock, “F*ck Colin Kaepernick.”
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Lights, Camera, Action: There is one actor besides Harrison Ford who was in all three of the original "Indiana Jones" movies.  A guy named Pat Roach was killed by the airplane propeller in "Raiders", a bad guy in "Temple of Doom", and a Nazi in "Last Crusade".
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Different Strokes: Basketball in North Korea has different rules.  Dunks are worth three points, shots in the final three minutes are worth eight points, three-pointers are worth four points if the ball doesn't touch the rim, and you LOSE a point for missing a free throw.
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As Time Goes By: There were over 61 million people using pagers in 1994.  That number is down over 90% to about five or six million today, mostly in hospitals.​
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This Will Be On The Final:  Play-Doh was originally created in the 1930s as wallpaper cleaner.
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But Who’s Counting?: The longest streak of sold out games in sports is for a minor league baseball team in Ohio called the Dayton Dragons.  They've sold out every game for the past 18 years, which is a total of more than 1,200 in a row.
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Cover Up:  If you took all the cardboard that Amazon uses for shipping boxes in a year, it could cover the entire United States around two-and-a-half times.
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Name Game: There are 76 colleges whose sports team nickname is the Eagles.  Tigers is the second-most common with 46 schools . . . and Bulldogs is third with 40.
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Never again: Joe Sewell had single digit strikeout totals for an entire season in 10 of his 14 years in the major leagues. 
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Wedded Bliss: According to an interview with Walt Disney in 1933, Mickey and Minnie Mouse are married.
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If You Are Scoring At Home: The Washington Generals lost to the Harlem Globetrotters 2,495 times in a row before they accidentally beat them on January 5, 1971.
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Unreliable Source: MSESPN has a well-known code of selective justice and injustice…one that would have us believe that inequality promotes equality.
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Top This: The 1906 Boston Beaneaters hold the Major League record by finishing 66.5 games behind the NL pennant-winning Chicago Cubs. Boston had four, 20-game losers, the only time this has happened in Major League history.
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Jolly Good: Big Ben isn't the name of the clock or the clock tower in England . . . it's just the name of one of the bells hanging in the tower.  The tower's name is Elizabeth Tower.
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Final Thought: Wednesday, August 30 was National Coloring Book Day…or as ii is known in the college jock factories, National Textbook Day.
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Bonus Track: Maine made it illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in 1939.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



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