Sunday, August 13, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 597

Sunday, August 13, 2017--- 864 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 54 Seconds. 
(A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrongnever in doubt.
If you want this in a different languagemove to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
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Rave: Ben Johnson.
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Reading: “The Lost Ones” by Ace Atkins.
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On the Hi Fi: “London Warsaw New York” by Basia.
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Under Rated: Sam Elliot.
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Raise Your hand: If you remember the time baseball teams used to wear stirrups instead of pants that go right to their spikes.
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Numbers Game: 94% of hotel guest leave with the shampoo, 88% with the soap, 81% with the pad of paper, 81% get the pen. In a galaxy far, far away, I’ll wager nearly 100% took off with the ashtray.
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Food For Thought: The busiest Domino's Pizza location in the world is the one right outside the Marine Base Camp Lejeune in North Carolina.
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Rant: Fantasy has replaced reality in today’s baseballwhy?---because the “game has changed” according the geniuses who have a predetermined game plan and fail to adjust it according the shifting tides of battle.
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Doctors Orders: The reason doctors wear blue or green scrubs is because those are on the opposite side of the color wheel from red and pink, making  those colors clearer during surgery.
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Another Rant: The national Pastime has become the National Past Bed Time, and not just for kids. And that sucks.
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Yet Another Rant: Baseballdoomed to become the Slowest Show on Earth.
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Number One With A Bullet: The first Medicare Card was issued to Harry Truman.
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Quote: From Columnist Norman Chad, “Watching baseball these days is like putting a pot of water on medium heat and waiting for it to boil.” I agree.
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Inscrutable: Howard Johnson hotels are a luxury brand in China . . . they're all four or five star hotels.
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Ask For Directions: Hawaii is the southernmost state in the USA.
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Hmmm: When did every sport become year round?
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You Know You’re Old: When you know the answer, but no one asks the question.
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This Stinks: The MLB Network highlights always feature bat flipping, home run posing and other displays of showboating that have made The Game a haven for the excessively immodest.
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This Will Be On The Final: President Zachary Taylor coined the term "First Lady" while speaking at Dolley Madison's funeral.
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More Or Less: The most used letters in written English: E, T, A, O and N. The least used: Q, Z, K, X and J.
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You Make the Call: You know we’re officially living in strange times with the news that major-league teams will wear nickname jerseys on the weekend of Aug. 25-27 in an attempt to appeal to a younger audience.
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Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention: Can openers were invented in 1858, 48 years after cans.
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Truism: The circus never leaves town.
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Averaging It Out: Never attempt to cross a river because it has an average depth of four feet.
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Name game: Dunkin’ Donuts is thinking of dumping “Donuts from its name.
Test market is Pasadena. If they decide to make the change, how would you like to have the contract to supply the new signs?
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Just Do It: Not doing more than average is what keeps the average down.
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Quote: “I believe there is far more proof of God’s existence than the is of, say Nancy Pelosi’s.”---Burt Prelutsky.
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All Of The Above: Rita Moreno is the only woman to win a Grammy, an Oscar, an Emmy and a Tony.
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How About That, Sports Fans: Stephen Curry had a 74 in his professional golf debut.
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Add It Up: It takes a bit over 4,000 beans to make a pound of coffee. How much for decaf?
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Passing Fancy: Not one of the six quarterbacks taken ahead of Tom Brady in the 2000 draft has thrown a pass in the NFL since 2011.
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Factoid: India Ink was invented in China.
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Sports for $1,000, Alex: One of the games in the 1948 World Series between the Boston Braves and Cleveland Indians took one hour and 31 minutes, and the average time in the six-game series was two hours.
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Where Or When: Jordan Almonds actually come from Spain.
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Tick Tock: Remember when 40 was supposed to be old?
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Imagine That: IBM’s original floppy discs were eight inches in diameter.
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Final Thought: The majority of talking heads on MSESPN sound like a man doing an imitation of Ted Baxterand barely speak discernable English.
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Bonus Track: Rod Stewart is the poster child for rockers growing old gracefullyadd Glenn Frey to that list.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



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