Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 596

Tuesday, August 08, 2017--- 1055 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 54 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Kurt Russell.
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Reading: “Naked Prey” by John Sandford.
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On the Hi Fi: “Thanks for the Memories” by Rod Stewart.
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Under Rated: Jeff Bridges.
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Garg’s Law: Do not forward anything you’ve received online without verifying it yourself.
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Power Steering: Self-driving cars? Cars with drivers are bad enough.
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Quote: “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” -- Philip K. Dick.
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Breakfast of Champions: The first commercial jingle was in a Wheaties radio ad in 1926
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English 101: “Whether” implies “or not.”
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Geography 101: Philadelphia Cream Cheese was actually created in Chester, New York.
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Rim Shot: Bill Lear, the guy who invented Lear Jet, also invented the eight-track tape player.  But more importantly, one of his daughters was named Crystal Shanda…Crystal Shanda Lear. True story!
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Over-rated: Tiger Woods is 1,005th in the official World Golf Rankings.
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This Will Be On The Final: During the 1960s "Batman" TV series, Robin said 367 different things after the word "Holy!" in his catchphrase.  They include "Holy armadillo!" . . . "Holy hamburger!" . . . "Holy grammar!" . . . and "Holy unrefillable prescriptions!"
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Picture This: Clint Eastwood, Burt Reynolds, Adam West, and Liam Neeson were all offered the role of James Bond but turned it down.
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Didjaknow: Because there's a toy in every Happy Meal, McDonald's is the world's largest distributor of toys.  On a similar note, the largest producer of tires in the world is . . . Lego.
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On Moonlight Bay:  The next time there will be a full moon on Friday the 13th is in August of 2049.
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Setting the Bar: Take Chris Sale off the Red Sox and it would be a long summer for the Fenway faithful.
Sox manager John Farrell always attempts to make pitching more complicated than nuclear energy.
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Rant: Bud Selig’s Hall of Fame plaque “should have depicted him looking the other way.”
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Another Rant: The morons who leave their wet towels all over the locker room at the YMCA.
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Yet Another Rant: The mental defectives who leave their shopping carts all over the parking lot.
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An Additional Rant: The asshats who abuse the “10 items or fewer” aisle.
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Perhaps the Final Rant: The losers who leave the cream and sugar bar at Starbucks a complete mess.
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Geography Lesson: Nebraska is the only "triple landlocked" state . . . that means it doesn't touch water, the states bordering it don't touch an water, and the states bordering them don't touch an water.
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For the Record: The only result that is guaranteed is that if you do nothing, nothing will happen.
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But Who’s Counting: The most common answer on "Jeopardy" is "What is China?"  From 1984 through 2012, that was the correct answer for 216 questions.
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When It Was A Game:  In 1974, 28 percent of MLB games included a pitched complete game. This season the rate is .01 percent.
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Best Stock Ticker Symbol: FIZZ for National Beverage.
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Rhetorical Question: Why would anyone with an active sense of right from wrong spend a dime to watch a pair of relentless misanthropes {Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor} fight? Where, pray tell, is the rooting interest?
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Dollars and Sense: FedEx almost went under back in the '70s in their early years . . . they only had $5,000 in the bank and needed to pay off $24,000.  They're still around because the founder took the last $5,000 to Vegas, gambled it on blackjack, and won $27,000.
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Imagine That: Too bad the people who think they know how to run this country are too busy playing their guitars to do so.
Shut up and sing!
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Numbers Game: If you're in a room with 70 people, statistically there's a 99.9% chance at least two of them will have the same birthday.  And if you're in a room with just 23 people, there's a 50% chance two of them will have the same birthday.
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In a Galaxy Far, Far Away: It has been 14 years since an American man won a major singles title.
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Didjaknow: A blue moon occurs every 2 ½ to 3 years, but can never appear in February.
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Random Thought: It is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice.”
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What the Hell, One More Rant: New movies based on old TV shows drive me crazy.
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Can’t help Myself, Another Rant: Same with kid shows based on action-figure toys or video games.
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Ceaseless Ranting: Colorized movies are an entertainment low point.
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English 101: “Hopefully” is one of the most misused words in the English language.
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Alphabet Soup: Washington, D.C. streets are named alphabetically, but there is no “J” Street.
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The Silver Screen: The first motion picture released in CinemaScope was “The Robe.”
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Movies and Music: The first movie soundtrack released was for “The Jungle Book.”
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Repeat Performance: The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has been adapted to the screen more than two dozen times.
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Dancing with the Stars: The only Oscar Ginger Rogers won was for “Kitty Foyle”, a non-dancing role without Fred Astaire.
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Cowboys and Indians: Jeff Chandler played Cochise in three different flicks.
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Book It: John “Bet-a-Million” Gates sold the first barbed wire in Texas and founded Texaco.
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Cast Against Type: Of the seven actors who portrayed the great Chinese detective, Charlie Chan, not one was Chinese.
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Ever Wonder: How fans enjoyed Babe Ruth without knowing the launch angle and exit velocity of his home runs?
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Truism: Life deals the cards face down.
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Kid’s Stuff: Look up “dumb” in the dictionary and the phrase “summer movies” stares back at you.
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Final Thought: As far as I can see, IQ-Tests measure is one’s ability to do well on IQ-Tests.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



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