Sunday, June 04, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 594

Sunday, June 04, 2017--- 883 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 49 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Les Brown.
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Reading: Stephen Hunter’s exceptional “G-Man.”
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On the Hi Fi: “Stepping Out of a Dream” by Nat King Cole.
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Under Rated: Johnny Mercer.
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Rave: The “Carolina Shag” channel on XM. Songs you have never heard by unfamiliar artists…yet you can sing along almost immediately.
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Your Serve: I am glad we still have Roger Federer.
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Quote from Bob Hoffman (The Ad Contrarian): “One thought about virtual reality -- isn't actual reality bad enough?”
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TV Timeout: There will be season five for “The Blacklist.”
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My Take: Cheating at solitaire…a victimless and pointless crime.
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Joyless Discoveries: Locking your keys in the car and learning that your spare is flat.
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Ever Wonder: Why the professor on “Gilligan’s Island” could build a radio out of coconuts, but not a decent boat.
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Let’s Go to the Video: Technically, Mr. Met cannot flip the middle finger…he has but four fingers.
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I’m Outta Here: Watching (or attempting to) MLB has become insufferably tedious.
My top three pet peeves: Too much commercial time…wearisome replays…and the “by the book” managers who do not believe what they see and have no baseball instincts.
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Step On It: Standing up after your foot has fallen asleep is next to impossible.
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Not Fun: Misplacing the remote.
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Hmmm: Where did the expression "laundry list" come from? Who needs a list for their laundry?
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Highway Robbery: Why is daylight always "broad"? Has no one ever been robbed in "narrow" daylight?
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You Know You’re Old: If you can remember when movies had ushers.
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Rant: Why do so many of today’s MLB players consider running hard to first optional?
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Jump Ball: The idiot sports talkers limit the mind-numbing debate over who is the greatest basketball player to Michael Jordan and LeBron James.
If championships mean anything, then Bill Russell’s eleven for the Celtics gets my vote.
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For What It’s Worth: I'll bet you have at least one gift certificate sitting in a drawer someplace that is at least five years old.
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Quote: "At gambling, the deadly sin is to mistake bad play for bad luck."—Casino Royale, 1953, Ian Fleming.
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Hmmm: I have no recollection of Russia influencing my vote.
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Twinkle, Twinkle: The 22 stars surrounding the Paramount Pictures logo represent the 22 movie stars they originally signed in 1916.
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Sand Through the Hourglass: With baseball games currently taking a tediously three and half hours or more…it is worth remembering that Game 7 of the 1960 World Series (the Mazeroski homer game) was played in a nifty 2:36.
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Oh Canada: The last time a Canadian team won the NHL Stanley Cup was 1993.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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Didjaknow:  Daniel Webster turned down the offer to be vice president twice in the 1800s, because he only wanted to be president.  The offers came from William Henry Harrison and Zachary Taylor . . . both died in office.
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Reality Check: No matter what the airport video monitors say, you are never confident you are waiting at the right luggage carousel until you see a person from the same flight standing there with you.
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Progress Report: Does anyone know if they are getting any closer to locating the murders of OJ’s ex-wife?
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Factoid: Nintendo named Mario after the landlord of their first warehouse, Mario Segale.  It was a way to get an extension on paying rent.
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It’s a Fact, Jack: The North and South Poles do not officially have time zones.  In the North Pole, each research station uses the time from its home country. 
In the South they use the New Zealand time zone since the majority of people fly in from there.
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Spelling Bee: Graffiti is plural.  The singular form of the word is graffito
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Quote: “The cynics are right nine times out of ten.” -- Henry Louis Mencken.
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But Who’s Counting: One pound of dimes and one pound of quarters are worth the same amount.  Two hundred dimes weigh one pound and are worth $20 . . . 80 quarters weigh one pound and are worth $20.
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Putting It Altogether: Ikea started as a mail-order business that sold pencils and postcards.
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Wait, I’m Not Done Yet: When was the last time it was easy to locate the start of a roll of tape?
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Idle Thought: It appears that Phil Jackson is looking forward to the Knicks’ 24th consecutive rebuilding season.
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Final Thought: The people who have figured out how to beat the welfare and unemployment systems are mostly those who do not deserve it.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



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