Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 585

Tuesday, May 24, 2016---864 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Barry Mann.
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Reading: Michael Koryta’s “Last Words.”
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On the Hi Fi: “She Could Be a Spy” by Swingerhead.
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Under Rated: Don Rondo.
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No Shit: You are usually quite good at doing the things that you love to do.
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Quote: “Peace is that glorious moment when everyone is reloading.”—Thomas Jefferson.
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Go Figure: Why worry about low tire pressure when you are out of gas?
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Rim Shot: Major League Baseball should employ MIT grads as second base umpires, as they likely have the best understanding of the slide rules.
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Picture This: I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
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This & That: “Walk-off” losses can only occur on the road----“walk-off” wins only at home.
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Word Play: A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government without having to pass the civil service exam.
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TV Time Out: I am enjoying the ending of this season’s “The Blacklist” much more without Elizabeth Keene.
Bad guys Solomon, Scottie and Rowan are interesting characters with charismatic actors to back them up.
Solomon is the ultimate mercenary…a real cockroach…brilliantly played.
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Truism: there is no such thing as quiet drunk.
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Jeepers Creepers: When they try to turn comic books into movies, I am out of the theater…before entering.
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Idle Thought: It matters not what you are looking at, but what you see.
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Hmmm: Is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
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Quote: “Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.” -- Niels Bohr
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Bad Medicine: The Philadelphia 76ers will become the NBA’s first team to feature advertising on their uniforms---StubHub for the 2017-18 season. What’s next? Chico’s Bail Bonds?
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No Brainer: The one thing curiosity cannot be is idle.
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But Who Is Counting: The Glen Gray Casa Loma Orchestra once played 101 consecutive weeks of one-night stands.
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We’ll Leave the Light On: If you have been to a hotel room lately, you realize it takes a special type of intelligence to master the clock radio.
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TV Time Out II: The final season for “Hell on Wheels” returns to AMC on Saturday, June 11th at 9 PM.
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Happy Anniversary: The WNBA is starting its 20th season.
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Humor Me: The tollbooth coming up is not a surprise, so why can’t everybody have their dough ready?
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Truism: Trial balances don’t.
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Net Loss: The first half of the 2016 Tennis Season has been a dismal preview of what tennis will look like when Roger Federer retires. His grace and style are irreplaceable.
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Dollars and Nonsense: Here are a few stats from Bob Hoffman aka The Ad Contrarian.
People over fifty:
ü  Responsible for about half of all consumer spending.
ü  Control 70% of the country’s wealth.
ü  Have about 80% of the savings.
ü  Dominate 94% of all Consumer Package Goods.
ü  Purchase nearly 2/3 of all new cars.
ü  Own 57% of all second and vacation homes.
ü  Are far easier and cheaper to reach than any other demographic group.
ü  Yet, the irony is that ad agencies go out of their way to ignore the over fifty faction.
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Reality Check: White people are the only people in America that you can legally discriminate against.
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TV Time Out III: Season three of “The Blacklist” just wrapped. The show completely remade itself. It moved away from the ”Blacklister of the week” formula, removed Liz from the FBI, put her on the run and inserted a spinoff pilot.
Most creative…bravo!
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True or False: If it doesn’t fit in a pigeonhole, maybe it isn’t a pigeon.
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Ever Wonder: Why only nine out of ten dentists recommended Crest? What was their brand?
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Jeepers Creepers: No one knows what traveling is in college basketball anymore, especially the refs.
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Your Serve: If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Wondering: What day is there not a mattress sale going on?
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Great Expectations: One day we will walk into McDonald’s and the burgers will be served just as they appear in the commercials. Until then, thanks for taking my call.
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Ready or Not: The time that passes before you hear about an event is in direct proportion to the extent it affects you.
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Final Thought: The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were


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