Thursday, September 03, 2015

Curmudgeon in the Wry 576

Thursday, September 03, 2015---707 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 11 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Viewer Discretion Advised.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Completely biased.
Don’t forget to floss.
Low carb.
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Rave: Boston Blackie.
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Reading: “Deadline” by John Sandford.
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On the Hi Fi: “Riverside Jazz, 1953-1964”—A Starbucks collection.
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Under rated: Joan Blondell.
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Quote: “Without assimilation, immigration is an invasion.”—Bobby Jindal.
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Go figure: How did Ultimate Frisbee become a future Olympic sport?
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Net Results: Since Maria Sharapova pulled out of the U.S. Open, I am cheering loudly for Eugenie Bouchard.
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Net Results II: The last time both contestants in a Major played with wooden rackets was in 1984’s U.S. Open when Pat Cash and John McEnroe met in the semis.
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If you’re scoring at home: It’s been 45 years since the NY Jets won a title.
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Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Hopalong Cassidy was the only movie cowboy who always ordered milk in the saloon.
By the way, his features in the 1930 are outstanding productions. Lots of extras, super stuntmen and wranglers, good (and varied) scripts and very little stock footage.
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TV Time Out: The Blacklist returns on Thursday, Oct. 1 at 9/8c.
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Reality check: An NFL exhibition game is the essence of “anticipation is better than realization.”
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Pop Quiz: What US company has made the most houses? Answer below.
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Stat Stuff: If Romney had won 71% of the Hispanic vote in 2012 instead of 27%, he still would have lost. On the flip side, had he won just 4% more of the white vote, he’d be President Romney.
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Movers’ Lies: Nine o’clock sharp; handle with care; expert packing; that’s the address you gave us; nothing like this has ever happened before.
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Progress: Before cell phones…I never lost mine.
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Ever Wonder: Home team is batting in a tie game, either in the ninth or in extra innings, the based loaded and two outs…why is there an on deck batter.
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TV Time Out II: “Blue Bloods” returns on September 25th.
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Truism: Writers are nothing without readers.
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Rant: It seems to me that most televised baseball games are three to four hour statistics-and-probability seminars.
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Quote: “Republicans who are worried about Donald Trump should be. But their own repeated betrayals of their supporters set the stage for his emergence. This goes all the way back to “Read my lips, no new taxes.”—Thomas Sowell.
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Full Disclosure: I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice. 
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Bottom Line: The words magical and enchanting in travel ads mean your drinks will cost four times more than they are worth.
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Silly Question: Is there a network TV exec producer or president anywhere, eager to have his network as the one---and only one---to allow viewers, first and foremost, to just watch and enjoy the game?
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As a rule: No sentence beginning with ironically will contain any irony.
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Any Truth to the Rumor: “That Hillary is considering a sex change operation…she’s thinking about becoming a woman.”—Merrill Heatter.
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Flashback: In April of 1986 Roger Clemens struck out 20 batters…ten years later in September, 1996 he did it again.
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Riddle me this: If violent TV shows are supposed to make kids more violent, why don’t comedies make them any funnier?
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Works for me: For men, gourmet cooking is microwaving something that comes in two bags.
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Face It: Bagels were not meant to be cut in half.
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Fun Fact: Cans of diets colas float…cans of regular colas sink.
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Quiz Answer: Parker Brothers, the makers of Monopoly.
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Final Thought: No one ever gets more normal.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.

As you were

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