Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Curmudgeon in the Wry 567

Tuesday, September 16, 2014---1001 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 2
Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Completely biased.
Don’t forget to floss.
Low carb.
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Rave: Rollo Tomasi.
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Reading: “Robert B. Parker’s Blind Spot” by Reed Farrel Coleman.
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On the Hi Fi: “Poetics of Sound”—Miles Davis. 
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Under rated: Keyser Söze 
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TV Timeout: The last three episodes of "Hell on Wheels"  have been pretty dull…except for one great shootout won by Syd Snow over the bounty hunters from Mexico.
I am less and less interested in the Swede.
Glad the Elam Ferguson story is done. It was fitting when Eva said, “He ain’t in that box.” Elam died the moment he became Bear Killer.
For all the “law” that has come to Cheyenne, the lawless and brutal actions continue to dominate.
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Quote: “Too many people are leaving games in the sixth and seventh innings because they can’t watch 3½ hour games.” Red Sox owner, Tom Werner.
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Works for me: A woman’s greatest asset is a man’s imagination.
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Rimshot: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One…they are quite efficient and not very funny.
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Quote: “Organized crime is better than disorganized crime.”—Joan Rivers.
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Truism: If you’ve seen one laser light show…you’ve seen them all.
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Hmmm: Is it true that if Tom Brady gets hurt, fall gets canceled in New England?
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SOS: Men’s tennis in the USA needs a life raft…not a star in sight.
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Factoid: The true greats make sports look easier than they are supposed to be.
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Reality Check: Whoever said less is more, never tried more.
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Speaking of morons: I suspect the Earth will keep turning no matter what happens to Jay Z and Beyonce’s marriage…but I could be right.
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Quote: "In every war, Britain always wins at least one battle---the last one."---Winston Churchill.
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Rave: With its decision to cease selling tobacco products, CVS has won my business away from Walgreens.
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Works for me: A Senior Citizen power nap is better than nighttime sleep.
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Is there any truth: To the rumor that the ongoing Derek Jeter saga is lasting longer than Cher’s farewell tour?
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Speaking of Jeter: Since nobody else will say it, I will---Jeter has stayed one year too long.
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Fun fact: Derek Jeter was the last All-Star caliber position player drafted and developed by the Yankees since 1992.
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Full disclosure: I was born to be retired...I wake up in the morning with nothing to do, but by night, I’ve only done half of it.
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Go figure: The more TV channels there are, the less there is to watch.
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Quote: Half a century ago, Clark Kerr, prexy at the University of California, said, “The job of a college president was to provide parking for the faculty, sex for the students, and athletics for the alumni."
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If you’re scoring at home: The Yankees have one World Series title in the last 14 years.
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Numbers game: Since 1981 the length of the average baseball game has risen from 2:33 to 3:02…boring!
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Didjaknow: obama is the first two-term president to receive fewer votes the second time around.
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Quote: “If you have read 6,000 books in your lifetime, or even 600, it’s probably because at some level you find ‘reality’ a bit of a disappointment.”—Thomas Allen.
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Idle thought: Three things that are absolutely useless to tell other people: "Just relax," "Try not to think about it" and "Don’t worry."
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Just wondering: When was the last time you saw someone using a coin changer like the Good Humor man used to use?
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Rant: One reason people scream into their cell phones is because they cannot hear their own voice in the earpiece like on a regular phone. Seems like a feature some enterprising tech-company should invent.
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Blimey: What’s the over/under on Johnny Football flaming out.
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Rave: Driving down a two-lane road with nobody in front of you.
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Rant: It is never permissible to dog-ear the page of a book…period.
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Pop quiz: Quick…name the only state whose first two letters are vowels.
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Things everybody gets wrong: Mano a mano does not mean man-to-man or one-on-one. It is Spanish for hand-to-hand.
One does not stand behind a podium. One stands on it. One stands behind a lectern.
A wooden house cannot be dilapidated. Dilapidated applies only to objects made of stone.
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Didjaknow: The Patriots have won the AFC East an amazing 11 times in this century.
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Bottom line: If you say you never swiped anything off a maid’s cart, I say I do not believe you.
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Quote: "There is no greater thief than a bad book."---Old Italian saying.
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Rimshot: I just found a box of Tic-Tacs buried in a drawer. And they're still in mint condition!
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Instant analysis: As the ultimate narcissist, obama finds it impossible to tear himself away from himself.
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Factoid: The longest word you can type using only one row of keys is typewriter.
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Rant: Strollers are becoming like SUVs. They keep getting bigger and bigger, yet babies are staying about the same size.
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Quote: “If politics were like sports, we could ask Israel to trade us Benjamin Netanyahu for obama. Of course, we would have to throw in trillions of dollars to get Israel to agree to the deal, but it would be money well spent.”---Burt Prelutsky.
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Final Thought: The police never think it is as funny as you do.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were

1 comment:

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