Friday, May 31, 2013

Curmudgeon In The Wry 544


Friday, May 31, 2013---940 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 51 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Chock full of extraneous intensifiers.
If you don’t have more questions than answers, you are not really living.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Providing snap judgments and overreactions.
Filled with random nonsense.
Completely biased.
Don’t forget to floss.
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Rave: Wendy Barrie
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Reading: Dennis Lehane’s Edgar Award winner, “Live By Night.” After just a few pages it was easy to see why this won the Edgar. Thought I knew where it was headed after 30 or so pages, but it changed directions three or four times in the next 70. Helluva ride so far!
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On the Hi Fi: “Mambo Mio”—a Starbucks collection featuring Nat Cole, Perez Prado, Xavier Cugat and Dean Martin.
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Under rated: Bruce Cabot.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when “don’t touch that dial” was to be taken literally.
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Rave: I still enjoy reading the funny pages…Blondie, Mallard Fillmore, Crankshaft, Pickles, The Lockhorns are among my favorites.  It’s a habit I picked up from my dad…whose favorite was always L’il Abner.
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You Know You're From Florida If: Socks are only for bowling.
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Quote: “This is obama’s America, a nation in which harsher words are used to describe law-abiding, gun-owning, Christian conservatives than bloodthirsty jihadists.”—Burt Prelutsky.
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You Know You're From Florida: You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
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Hmmm: Is it the song or is it the singer?
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Full disclosure: I never loved Lucy, nor got Jackie Gleason; but loved Steve Allen and Uncle Milty.
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You Know You’re Old: When everything hurts.
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Quote: “It's not what you accomplish; it's what you overcome to accomplish it that sets you apart."—Jimmy Connors.
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Rant: Why do people who have absolutely nothing of interest to say, take so long to say it?
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You Know You're From Florida: You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
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Ever notice: That condo boards always seem to be headed-up by people who have never headed-up anything in life beforehand.
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Rave: “Leave It To Beaver” and “Bachelor Father" still a pleasure to watch. There are worse role models than Uncle Bentley.
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You Know You’re Old: When you burn the midnight oil until 9 P.M.
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Rimshot: I can’t stand people who are intolerant.
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You Know You're From Florida: If your oak tree stays green through December and January, then all of the sudden in February all the leaves fall to the ground at once.
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Truism: It’s not what you think about that matters, it’s what you figure out.
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Rave: Best name in sports is UNC baseball player, Skye Bolt…sounds like a character out of a sci-fi flick from the fifties.
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You Know You’re Old: When you look forward to a dull evening.
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Rave: The opening monologue in “The Guns of Navarone” gets my full attention to this day…and I feel certain that I have seen it nearly 100 times. The soundtrack is ten out of a possible ten. 
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You Know You're From Florida: If you leave your beach stuff in the car all the time... just in case.
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Rant: So many of the graffiti-stained NBA players are really difficult to look at.
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Hmmm: If it is politically incorrect, but true, do you still have to keep your mouth shut?
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You Know You’re Old: When you no longer see speed limits as challenges.
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Didjaknow: Andy Roddick was the most recent American male to win a Grand Slam tennis event---2003’s US Open. Today, only three of our men are included in the Top 50.
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You Know You're From Florida: If your balcony or patio is overgrown with star jasmine, hibiscus, or orchids.
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Quote: “I refuse to eat with chopsticks when there's a perfectly good fork available.”—Chris DeCarlo.
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You Know You’re Old: When you want to take back all those times you didn’t nap when you were younger.
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Rave: “My Attorney Bernie” remains one of my favorite tunes. Written by the very clever David Frishberg. 
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Sidebar: I worked a very early single by David Frishberg, “Van Lingle Mungo.” To this day it remains a huge favorite. 
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You Know You're From Florida: If you're gardening in February when new leaves are coming out at the same time the old ones are falling.
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Bumper Sticker of the Month: “Legalize the Constitution.” Very apt due to the current regime in Washington.
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You Know You’re Old: If your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
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Quote: “Stupid is a great force in human affairs. And, the great force has a commander in chief (obama).”---P.J. O’Rourke.
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You Know You're From Florida: If you've never been to a tanning salon.
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One Final Thought: Attempted murder should carry the same penalty as first-degree murder. Otherwise you are simply rewarding incompetence.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.

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