Thursday, May 23, 2013

Curmudgeon in the Wry 543


Thursday, May 23, 2013---913 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 16 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Chock full of extraneous intensifiers.
If you don’t have more questions than answers, you are not really living.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Providing snap judgments and overreactions.
Filled with random nonsense.
Completely biased.
Don’t forget to floss.
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Rave: “The Falcon” series.
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On the Hi Fi: “I’ll Be Seeing You” by Tommy Dorsey and Frank Sinatra.
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Under rated: Chester Morris.
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Truism: Anytime a person says, "How should I know?" — they know.
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Hmmm: I'll bet you have at least one gift certificate sitting in a drawer someplace that is at least five years old.
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You Know You’re Old: If you know Morse code.
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Rant: All the depressing Don Draper flashbacks are making “Mad Men” difficult to enjoy. It’s season six, why do we need more backstory. The thrill is gone.
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Anybody who says: "Let's get lunch sometime," intends never to have lunch with you.
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You Know You're From Florida If: A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
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I’m curious: Why is daylight always "broad"? Has no one ever been robbed in "narrow" daylight?
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Quote: “The difference between obama and Nixon is that obama will require ‘I am not a crook’ on prompter.”---Dennis Miller.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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Bumper sticker spotted on I-4: “Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!”
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Just asking: How come the people at Happy Hour rarely are?
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Ben Stein Quote: “Hillary Clinton is a woman who traveled one million miles with no positive accomplishments as Secretary of State.”
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You Know You're From Florida if: You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
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Hmmm: Why do the instructions always tell us to store the thing in a "cool, dry place." Does anybody really have a cool, dry place at home? And if we did, wouldn't it be full by now?
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You Know You’re Old: If you ever cut a stencil for a mimeograph machine.
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Anybody who says: "Don't be a stranger," wants you to remain a stranger
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You Know You're From Florida If: You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
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Hmmm: Why do damsels always have to be in distress?
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Wondering: Have you ever used a laundry list for laundry?
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when movie theaters had ushers.
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Hot tip: If somebody could invent a way for left-handed people to use fountain pens and not drag their hands through the ink, they'd make a million bucks.
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Another hot tip: Make the last 3 feet of dental floss a different color. That way, you'd know when you were about to run out.
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Quote: “Those who beat their guns into plowshares will soon be plowing for those who don’t.”—Thomas Jefferson.
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Truism: If someone says, "It may be none of my business," he's right.
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No bargain: Cheap flashlights are never worth it.
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Strange But Allegedly True: Police in Wichita, Kan., arrested a man at a hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills. I feel certain he was one of those low information voters.
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You Know You're From Florida If: You know why flamingos are pink.
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Strange but true: We all know that Julius Caesar "crossed the Rubicon," but today nobody is sure where the river Rubicon really is.
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You Know You’re Old: If your kitchen had linoleum.
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Amen: Along with maps, rental car companies should distribute instructions on how to turn the lights on and windshield wipers off.
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No doubt: Any more than 12 gears on a bicycle is just showing off.
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Word to the wise: Never praise one woman's perfume to another.
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Travel tip: When traveling alone, always get a hotel room with two beds. The bed farthest away from the TV will always be in better shape
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You Know You're From Florida If: You measure distance in minutes.
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Rave: Loved this line from Bruce DeSilva’s latest novel, “Cliff Walk.” “Finally I landed on a Charlie Rose interview with some economist I’d never heard of. Rose was the television equivalent of a bottle of Ambien and a whiskey chaser, but I was so restless that not even he could put me to sleep.”
The book is a keeper…highly recommended!
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Hmmm: When's the last time you saw a wishing well that really worked?
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Truism: There is no snob like a wine snob.
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You Know You’re Old: If you thought you knew which twin had the Toni.
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Ever notice: Elevator doors never close convincingly on TV shows…especially on “Mad Men.”
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You Know You're From Florida If: You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
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You Know You’re Old: If you can remember what a test pattern was.
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You Know You're From Florida If: You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
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One Final Thought: You needed a math degree from MIT to count the number of times the narcissist-in-chief used the words I, me and my in his presser today.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.

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