Saturday, January 12, 2008

Curmudgeon in the Wry 379

Saturday, January 12, 2008---601 Words---Average reading time: 2-minutes, 17 seconds (time frittered away) (a pointless waste of time)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Almost completely free of original ideas.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
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Rave: Dana Andrews
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On the Hi Fi: “Revival” by John Fogerty. “Gunslinger” is about the best song I heard last year.
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Reading: “Acts of Nature” by Jonathon King.
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Quote: “Many women like a strong, silent man because they think he is listening.”—Sam Ewing, Wall Street Journal.
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Rave: “Press 1 for English; Press 2 for Deportation.”
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Truism: The other line always moves faster.
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Rant: The expression “significant other” makes me gag. How about: boy-friend/girl-friend? “Glamourpuss galpal,” as the New York Post called Tom Brady’s girl friend is a better choice.
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Rave: How about John Kerry telling his former running mate, John Edwards, “Thanks for the memories.”
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Good advice: When you oversleep, spend an extra minute in bed to develop a recovery plan.
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Decision 2008: Betty or Veronica?
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Rant: Take away a handful and the college bowl games are TV shows, nothing else
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Show of hands: How many of you are still keeping your New Year’s Resolutions?
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Hmmm: Wonder what the odds are of your wrong number being a fax machine?
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Weather report: A snowstorm becomes a blizzard when the temperature dips below 20 degrees and the wind speed reaches 35 mph.
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Truism: Cats do not bark at night.
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Rant: The real reality TV is lying on your couch looking for something to watch.
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I missed the memo: When did turquoise become teal?
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Axiom: When you do not know what you want, it is most likely sleep.
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Useless Factoid: A swordfish can move twice as fast as a kangaroo.
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Quote: “Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys.”—Bob Collins on “Love That Bob.”
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Factoid: Hungarian mathematician Erno Rubik became the first self-made millionaire in a Communist country thru sales of his Rubik’s cube.
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Didjaknow: Great Danes hail from Germany, not Denmark. In addition, while Brazil nuts do come from Brazil, they are seeds. Coconuts are giant seeds as well.
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Hmmm: Rice paper contains no rice.
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Pop quiz: How many gallons of liquid does a ten-gallon hat hold? About a gallon, more or less.
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Research: The folks at Gallup report that pepperoni is America’s favorite pizza topping. I cannot think of anything worse than pepperoni.
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Rx: Caffeine is tasteless---signs of caffeine overdose: cold sweat, the shakes, heart palpitations and a feeling of impending doom. Sounds like life in Coconut Grove in the 1960’s.
Symptoms of caffeine withdrawal: headaches, nervousness and irritability. Sounds like my life in the record business in 1990’s.
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Quote: “If you become a star, you don’t change, everyone else does.”—Kirk Douglas.
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Spell this: Alfred Botts, an out of work architect, created SCRABBLE in 1931. All the toy companies he presented it to, said, “No potential.”
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Rimshot: Electric eels have been communicating electronically longer than anybody has.
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Free advice: Never let a computer know you are in a hurry.
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Truism: No two things are quite as inseparable as the two umbrellas you bought in order to have one at home and one at the office. Just for grins, how many umbrellas do you own?
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Another rimshot: Did out of work blacksmiths ever say, “I’ve got a few irons in the fire.”
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In closing: And they don’t make movie stars like Steve McQueen these days, either.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.

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