Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Curmudgeon in the Wry, Episode 602

Tuesday, April 23, 2019--- 1187 Words---Average Reading Time: 4 Minutes, 11 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001. 
News both helpful and devastating.
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Love your hair...hope you win!
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent. 
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent. 
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Rave: Vaughn Monroe.
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Reading: “Two Kinds of Truth” by Michael Connelly (Third time)
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On the Hi Fi: “Dark Sacred Night, the Music of Harry Bosch.”
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Under Rated: Victor Mature.
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Ultra Rave: “Bosch” Season Five on Amazon Prime is beyond exceptional. I enjoyed all ten episodes over the weekend, and am about to finish “Two Kinds of Truth” later this afternoon. Then I will watch Bosch again...it is that outstanding.
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Quote: “Casinos are now America’s version of elder care.”—Gina Barreca, Boston Herald.
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Take It To The Bank: I am not a member of any Who’s Who publication...you can find me in Who Cares journals.
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By The Way: I have not seen a single episode of “Game of Thrones.” Some day, I suspect people will compliment me for this.
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Go To Your Room: Has Hollywood run out of cartoons to make into movies...or is that just wishful thinking?
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Your Number Is Up: We do less than 10% of our retail shopping online, make less than 2% of our purchases on a mobile phone, and buy fewer than 3% of our cars with hybrid engines. 
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Hmmm: How does a skateboard follow the person when they leap several feet in the air?
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Mailing It In: 43 buildings in Manhattan have their own ZIP code.
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Who Knew: The Flat Earth Society has members all aroundthe globe.
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Elementary My Dear Watson: The letter J is the only letter that doesn't appear in any of the elements on the Periodic Table.
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Stat Stuff: The chances are that 40% of you will make it to the end of this edition of CITW.
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You know you’re old:  When you forget names...but it's OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!
When going out is good...coming home is better!
When the things you used to care to do, you aren't as interested in anymore, but you really don't care that you aren't as interested.
When you sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV on than in bed.   It's called "pre-sleep".
When you miss the days when everything worked with just an "on" and "off" switch.
When you notice everything they sell in stores that's your size... doesn't fit anymore.
When everybody whispers.
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Misdirection Play: Alaska is the most northern, western, and eastern state.  How is it the most eastern?  A few of its islands cross into the eastern hemisphere.
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Words of Wisdom From Frank Zappa: “Modern music is people who can’t think, signing artists who can’t write songs to make records for people who can’t hear.”
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Payback: When you think about today’s music the same way your parents thought about yours.
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Pop Quiz:Name the two colleges with the most Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks?
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High Tech:  Is there any truth to the rumor that life was better before anyone ever heard of a password?
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Irony: Stephen Hawking claimed that there is no God...according to God, there is now no Stephen Hawking.
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Inquiring Minds Want to Know: Why would you ever enroll in auto pay with anyone...let alone your cable company?
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Quote: “If it were not for the last minute, nothing would get done.”—Anon. 
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Double Duty:"Sahara" means "desert" in Arabic . . . so the Sahara Desert is the "desert desert."
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Ball Four: Spring Training is a remnant from another era.
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Hmmm: How is it that pro athletes never have the flu, only “flu-like symptoms”? Think they ever have headache-like symptoms?
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Truism: TV and Hollywood continue to present incontrovertible proof that no bad idea in unworthy of duplication.
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Overkill: The Constitution does not have to rewritten...it needs to be reread.
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Didjaknow: Vincent van Gogh'spainting "The Starry Night" is the view from the window of his asylum room in France.
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Look Both Ways: The rest of the world may not like what America stands for, but they sure love our benefits.
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Something Today’s Pampered Professional Athletes Should Ponder: Hoyt Wilhelm...a Battle of the Bulge survivor...a 29-year-old rookie who lasted 21 years in the major leagues. 
Not bad for a six-foot right-hander. 
First ML pitcher to make 1,000 appearances...hit his only ML home run in 1952...hit his only ML triple in 1953, and won a World Series ring with 1954 Giants. 
Threw the first no-hitter for the Baltimore Orioles in 1958. 
Hung it up at age 50.
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Close Call: Floridahas had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but some schmucks insist the last one was caused by climate change.
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Hit the Pause Button: If this is “social media,” what does “anti-social media” look like?
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The U.K. and Denmark are only two countries that do not celebrate their independence day or the day they became a nation.
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Take Five: “Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.”—Igor Stravinsky.
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Wondering: It is not the strong that survive, it is the adaptable.
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Hmmm: How come Asian Americans never seem to need government help?
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Truism: Hell is other people’s music.
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For the Record: 80% of the pretzels in the U.S. are made in Pennsylvania.
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Excuse My Self Indulgence: “One-and-done” cheapens college basketball.
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Huh?: Olympic Sport of ‘downhill skiing”---as opposed to the uphill variety.
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Quiz Answer:Purdue (Drew Brees, Bob Griese and Len Dawson) and Alabama (Joe Namath, Bart Starr and Ken Stabler).
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What’s Wrong With This Picture: If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you are here illegally, they want to give you one.
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Quote: “What we imagine is order is merely the prevailing form of chaos.”--Kerry Thornley.
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Playing Around: Today’s top toys have more computer power than the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.
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Ad Nauseum: I have seen enough pictures of A-Rod and J.Lo parading around as if they are some new form of American royalty to last two lifetimes.
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Quote: “If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.” – Anon.
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Can You Hear Me Now: The word "phony" comes from "telephone" . . . since early phones had such bad audio quality; it made people's voices sound fake.
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Final Thought: A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
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Bonus Track: This New Age baseball-managing style that demands the immediate, repetitive fixing of what is not broken leaves me cold and far removed from the game I once cherished.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran. 
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.


Friday, March 02, 2018

College Basketball's Final Month 2017-18

Tip Off: I look at the college basketball season as a play in four acts.
There is tragedy: having to put up with horseshit announcers such as Seth Greenberg, Jason Williams, Dan Dakich, Dick Vitale, Clark Kellogg, sideline commentators, 94 Feet With Jay Bilas...and worst of all, Holly Rowe.
Bill Walton provides the comedy with his wry observations on the game, life and lifestyle...and you can learn a lot from him.
And...of course there is plenty of drama.

Act one has a couple of scenes.
The first one features the major conferences taking on the cream puffs on their home court. The visitors get a big payoff and get to learn a bit about their weakness. It is both a learning experience and money for the athletic department.
Scene two highlights those early season invitational tournaments...usually held in resort destinations. Big fun with a nice mixture of high and mid major teams.
In scene three, we see the intrer-confernce tournaments like the ACC/Big Ten.
Scene four is a rarity: a major conference team playing a true road game...versus another major or a quality mid-major...a vanishing breed.

Act two is the conference schedule. The best are in those conferences where all teams play each team home and away.

In act three, the stage is set for the conference championship. The pressure is on and the fans benefit.

Act four; the penultimate event kicks off the finest three weeks in sports, The NCAA Championship Tournament. 63 games in ten days...truly the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

At its very best (the UConn women), college basketball is poetry in motion.


I love this game.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Curmudgeon in the Wry 601

Saturday, February 17, 2018--- 1085 Words---Average Reading Time: 4 Minutes, 8 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: Gloria Grahame.
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Reading: “Light It Up”—Outstanding from Nick Petrie.
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On the Hi Fi: “Quiet As the Moon”—Dave Brubeck.
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Under Rated: Chill Wills.
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Quote: “All life is 6 to 5 against.”---Damon Runyon.
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Don’t Go Changin’: Bill Belichick’s lack of charm is charming…and refreshing. He’s my kind of guy.
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Truism: ESPN remains the last to care what LaVar Ball thinks…still calling them “exclusives.”
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Play Ball:  In the years between when the Chicago Cubs won their two most recent World Series . . . 1908 and 2016 . . . Arizona became a state, got a Major League Baseball team, and won a World Series.
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Lucky Me: Thank the Lord I did not grow up in an era where everyone walked around staring into a phone.
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Shaken, Not Stirred:  When Ian Fleming finished his first "James Bond" novel; he celebrated by buying himself a gold-plated typewriter.
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Fun and Educational, Mr. Wizard: Victorinox makes the Swiss Army Knife. They've been in business since 1884 . . . and they have never laid off an employee.
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For the Record: The voices of Dick Enberg and Keith Jackson will always be in my head…two of the best sports broadcaster of a bygone era, when announcers knew the game was the most important aspect of the broadcast, not the broadcaster.
The way today’s announcers’ go on-and-on, you would assume they are paid by the word.
Enberg is in the Hall of Fame for three sports.
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Okie from Muskogee: The official state vegetable of Oklahoma is . . . the watermelon, a fruit.
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Truism: The college three-point line is too close.
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Quote: “It’s not what you do…it’s what you do next.”—Pam Bondi.
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Show of Hands: Raise your hand if you care about the Winter Olympics.
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Happiest Place on Earth: The U.S. Department of Defense is the largest purchaser of explosives, followed by the Walt Disney Company. 
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Anachronistic: All Star Games have become unnecessary and uninteresting.
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Ho, Ho, Ho: The movie "A Christmas Story" is based on short stories originally published in "Playboy".
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Non-Guilty Pleasure: Tiger Woods has not won a tournament since 2013.
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Map Reading 101: Reno, Nevada is actually west of Los Angeles, California, because of the way California curves.
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Time Out: Fourteen U.S. states are split into two time zones:
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No Question: Free money fixes nothing.
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Pop Quiz: What ended in 1896?
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Just Asking: When your team wins, do you feel the powerful urge to run downtown and set some fires…as did the fans of the Eagles?
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Jeepers Creepers: Snowstorms now have names…please.
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Didjaknow: The phrase "red tape" comes from the early 1500s, when the Holy Roman Empire would use red tape to seal the most important political documents and decisions
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New Normal: Magazines seem to get smaller every month.
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For the Record: Only two QB's in the history of the NFL  - Patriots Tom Brady (18 years) and Packers Aaron Rodgers (13 years) - have thrown fewer interceptions than the number of games played in a single season for an entire career with a minimum of 10 years in the league.
Not even the best QB ever, #19 Johnny Unitas.
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Strictly Business: Getting free money from the government should be just as difficult as getting it from other sources.
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Truism: You only get what you earn.
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Aloha: Hawaii is the only U.S. state that produces coffee.
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Food for Thought: Just as women are not as innocent as they appear to be, men are not that dumb.
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Who Knew: Boardwalks did not get their name because they are made of wooden boards.  They are named after the guy who came up with the idea to set up the first one in Atlantic City in the 1870s:  Alexander Boardman.
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You Cannot Make This Stuff Up: On New Year’s Day, the morons at HLN reported, “Today’s Super Moon is the first of 2018.”
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Third Time’s the Charm: The Big Mac was originally called The Aristocrat.  That name bombed, so it was switched to the Blue Ribbon Burger. That also bombed.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when NFL teams had taxi-squads instead of today’s bloated rosters comprised of self-absorbed-all-about-me narcissists. 
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Quiz Answer: 1895.
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Highway Robbery: With some tickets going for as much as a couple of grand and only one original member still in the band, The Eagles are the most expensive cover band of all time.
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Name Game: The most common name for cities in the United States is Fairview clocking in with 273.
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Don’t Look Now: Just because you cannot see it does not mean it does not exist.
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The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Is it the singer or the song? Here is a clue: The songwriters do not have to go on the road unless they choose to.
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Over Doing It: Do we really need to name winter storms?
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Benjamins: Hundred dollar bills make up 80% of American currency.
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Reality Check: When too many words are used explaining charges on your bill, you are usually getting screwed. Think cable bill.
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Logical Conclusion: No professional athlete is as good as he claims to be.
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But Whose Counting?:  Double Stuff Oreos only contain 1.86 times as much cream as regular Oreos.
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You Make the Call: Why is it that the moment an actor achieves any success they immediately become an expert on life in general and politics?
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Nobody Asked, But: How many people would still want to come to the USA if they could not get welfare?
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Geography 101: Tijuana, Mexico is further north than Savannah, Georgia.
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Final Thought: I cannot tell you how little interest I have in the British royal family.
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Bonus Track: Is there a sports mascot that does not offend someone?
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



Saturday, December 02, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 600

Saturday, December 02, 2017--- 942 Words---Average
Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 7 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: James Garner.
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Reading: “Infamous” by Ace Atkins.
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On the Hi Fi: “Bix Lives” by Bix Beiderbecke.
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Under Rated: Frank Morgan.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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If You’re Scoring At Home (Or On The Road): Since Eli Manning became the starting QB for the Giants, the Cleveland Browns have started 24 quarterbacks and the Knicks have employed nine head coaches.
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Rant: 78 teams will play in the various bowl games…seems to me invitations to 6-6 teams is a participation trophy.
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Didjaknow: The average cloud weighs 1.1 million pounds.
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Post-Meal Analysis: The average Thanksgiving meal takes 18 hours to prepare and 12 minutes to eat.
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Quote: “Don't do whatever you like -- like whatever you do.” – Anon.
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Truism: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago…second best time is now.
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Go Figure: Carrots were originally several colors, and the most common one was purple.  Dutch farmers in the 16th century bred red and yellow carrots to make orange ones, since it was their royal color . . . and those became the standard.
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Just Asking: When was the last time you used your Salad Shooter?
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Face Facts: Politics is show biz for ugly people.
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Business as Usual: When in doubt on the various scandals, the NCAA does what it does best…it forms a committee.
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You Make the Call: Why are Subway sandwiches piled high with meat…but only in the TV ads?
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Dollars and Sense: The first athlete to earn $1 million was bare-knuckle boxer, John L. Sullivan in 1882.
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No Kidding: Were it not for malls, where would 14 year olds go to smoke?
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What’s Next: Not having the traditional red, white and blue bunting draping the box seats during the World Series was a candy-assed move from MLB.
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For the Record: The bird in Twitter's logo has a name . . . Larry…as in Larry Bird. Twitter co-founder, Biz Stone, grew up in Massachusetts and was a huge Boston Celtics fan.
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The Double Whammy: Baltimore Orioles RHP Jack Fisher surrendered Ted Williams' 521st and final home run in 1960, as well as Roger Maris' 60th home run in 1961. The Williams homer was his final at bat.
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Truth In Advertising: Ad spotted in the Norway, Maine Advertiser Democrat: “Ears Pierced $7.95, While You Wait.”
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Challenge Yourself: Solve the crossword puzzle using only the Down clues.
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Who Knew?: When I was a kid I always said I would never badmouth the new music when I was an old timer…then came rap and hip-hop.
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Changing Times: 1968 AL Rookie of the Year was New York Yankees RHP Stan Bahnsen who finished 17-12. The only other player receiving votes was Washington Senators OF Del Unser who batted .230.
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Word Games:  "Ping pong" is trademarked by Parker Brothers.  The generic term you are supposed to use for the game is table tennis.
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Counting the Days: The dates 4/4, 6/6, 8/8, 10/10, and 12/12 all fall on the same day of the week, every year.
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Food For Thought: Basketball has a shot clock---pitchers should have one as well.
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Mensa meeting: Marilyn Monroe had an IQ of 163 . . . Albert Einstein's IQ was 160.
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Idle Thought: The easiest way to locate something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Department of Redundancy Department: Young rookies, plan ahead, advance reservations, anonymous stranger, very unique, LCD display, kneel down, foreign imports, evolve over time.
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Disney World is twice the size of Manhattan and roughly the same size as San Francisco.
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Inconsistent, Me Thinks: How can the federal government ask US citizens to repay college loans when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?
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Just Business: Japan has more 7-Elevens than any other country in the world…about 16,000 locations.  The USA has about half that.
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Rant: Colleges being referred to as “Nike” schools or “Adidas” schools should be embarrassed.
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Hold The Phone: There's enough energy in one gallon of gas to charge your iPhone once a day for almost 19 years.
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The New Normal: Another summer without a summer song. I guess they don’t make them any more.
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They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To: In 13 seasons, 631 receptions for 9,275 yards and 68 touchdowns, Raymond Berry fumbled exactly once. And, never once showed off.
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The Civilized Way To Travel: Amtrak started in 1971 . . . and has lost money all 46 years it's been in existence.
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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: If Random House is paying Colin Kaepernick a million dollar advance, how much will they pay someone to write it for him…and then read it to him?
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Final Thought: Great coaches make teams better as the season progresses.
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Bonus Track: The Yankees were a lot more fun when “The Boss” was running the show.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.